the feelings that are evoked when present collides with the past is rather peculiar
your vision struggles to gain perspective like an automatic camera unable to focus on a subject
your heart pounds and your head feels very far away from your feet
you begin to giggle uncontrollably even though you don't really find it very funny
you are in fact terrified
it's like you're dreaming of an old memory when people from the present just walk in.
you know it's not right, yet you cannot grasp it in your dream
you feel as if any moment you'll wake up from the disturbing moment
but you don't.
This is reality as trippy and surreal as it feels
I'm staring at my old house from my childhood with my present boyfriend holding my hand...
he can't really be here? can he?
the house looks exactly the same even though it's been 14 years since i've been here
my mind finally manages to gain focus, and with it the dream like state begins to fade
i'm ok with this i convince myself
my lover by my side, supporting and loving me for who i am right now
and my old house, holding so many wonderful childhood memories
yet it's not the house that holds the memories........
we walk to the front door a little timidly
now i begin to see some of the changes.. of another existence here
yet the beautiful stained glass double front doors are still here
i knock on the door, quietly excited on what may happen.....
a woman answers the door with children in toe
she is stand offish by the interruption...
i politely explain that i used to live at this house 14 years ago and i haven't been back in my home town since then... i was visiting and thought i'd pass by....
we stand nodding at each other for a while, my boyfriend and i all smiles..
will she invite us in?
she does, finally
and what do we find...?
a small dark corridor
much smaller than i remember...
we walk passed my room and my sisters...
somehow it doesn't feel right to look in there
so we keep heading into the lounge...
the polished floorboards are all covered up in drab grey carpets....
where is the beauty?
the lounge is also dark, filled with smoke and two men lounging on couches watching TV.
i think they gave us a grunt of recognition..?
was this room really this small?
the wall where we had a lovely fireplace is now covered from floor to ceiling with old style pendulum ticking clocks... i can't bear to make eye contact with my lover....
is this real?
have we stepped into a David Lynch film?
all the clocks tick tock tick tock... the fireplace has been replaced by a modern heater...
tick tock tick tock
the room seems to be shrinking the longer i stay in it...
i feel suffocated
i don't look to my brother's old room, or the study, or my mother's room..
i keep walking into the play room, giving a courteous glance into the kitchen,
my smile feeling more and more strained
is this really our old house?
where is all the light? the love? the happiness?
we head out the side door into the garden away from the heavy energy
outside there is relief yet 7 years of drought has left the garden dry and neglected
it too seems small....
i continue walking to the back of the house
a place my siblings and i spent hours playing all sorts of fun games
the woman has slowly warmed to us, realising we mean no harm
she remembers seeing some prints in the cement near the back door...
and there, the sweetest thing to see
now it is all worth being here
nestled near the wall is a tiny footprint of a toddler and underneath the print is written Rhea
my name smiles back at me
i was here,... this was my home
next to it are paw prints of a cat and nearby some more hand prints yet with no name
probably my brother and sister's
'it's good to put a name to a foot!'
the woman exclaims
warmth fills my heart
i gaze at the footprints and smile
this is why i was meant to come
even though i still can feel the dark vibe inside the house. i feel renewed. we walk back the way we'd come and bid goodbye
this is their house now
we head back to the car
i had felt like i'd been invaded when we first walked in and still it lingered while we drove off
the house that i had lived in was open and warm
the house we'd just visited was their house
it was how they chose to live and i had to accept that
i will always cherish my memories of childhood
i am so appreciative of growing up in a small country town
yet i am so grateful that our family moved when they did and that i now live elsewhere
my lover gave my hand a little reasurring squeeze
he is my reality now and i feel honoured to have shared such an absurd adventure with him
we bridged time
xox
your heart pounds and your head feels very far away from your feet
you begin to giggle uncontrollably even though you don't really find it very funny
you are in fact terrified
it's like you're dreaming of an old memory when people from the present just walk in.
you know it's not right, yet you cannot grasp it in your dream
you feel as if any moment you'll wake up from the disturbing moment
but you don't.
This is reality as trippy and surreal as it feels
I'm staring at my old house from my childhood with my present boyfriend holding my hand...
he can't really be here? can he?
the house looks exactly the same even though it's been 14 years since i've been here
my mind finally manages to gain focus, and with it the dream like state begins to fade
i'm ok with this i convince myself
my lover by my side, supporting and loving me for who i am right now
and my old house, holding so many wonderful childhood memories
yet it's not the house that holds the memories........
we walk to the front door a little timidly
now i begin to see some of the changes.. of another existence here
yet the beautiful stained glass double front doors are still here
i knock on the door, quietly excited on what may happen.....
a woman answers the door with children in toe
she is stand offish by the interruption...
i politely explain that i used to live at this house 14 years ago and i haven't been back in my home town since then... i was visiting and thought i'd pass by....
we stand nodding at each other for a while, my boyfriend and i all smiles..
will she invite us in?
she does, finally
and what do we find...?
a small dark corridor
much smaller than i remember...
we walk passed my room and my sisters...
somehow it doesn't feel right to look in there
so we keep heading into the lounge...
the polished floorboards are all covered up in drab grey carpets....
where is the beauty?
the lounge is also dark, filled with smoke and two men lounging on couches watching TV.
i think they gave us a grunt of recognition..?
was this room really this small?
the wall where we had a lovely fireplace is now covered from floor to ceiling with old style pendulum ticking clocks... i can't bear to make eye contact with my lover....
is this real?
have we stepped into a David Lynch film?
all the clocks tick tock tick tock... the fireplace has been replaced by a modern heater...
tick tock tick tock
the room seems to be shrinking the longer i stay in it...
i feel suffocated
i don't look to my brother's old room, or the study, or my mother's room..
i keep walking into the play room, giving a courteous glance into the kitchen,
my smile feeling more and more strained
is this really our old house?
where is all the light? the love? the happiness?
we head out the side door into the garden away from the heavy energy
outside there is relief yet 7 years of drought has left the garden dry and neglected
it too seems small....
i continue walking to the back of the house
a place my siblings and i spent hours playing all sorts of fun games
the woman has slowly warmed to us, realising we mean no harm
she remembers seeing some prints in the cement near the back door...
and there, the sweetest thing to see
now it is all worth being here
nestled near the wall is a tiny footprint of a toddler and underneath the print is written Rhea
my name smiles back at me
i was here,... this was my home
next to it are paw prints of a cat and nearby some more hand prints yet with no name
probably my brother and sister's
'it's good to put a name to a foot!'
the woman exclaims
warmth fills my heart
i gaze at the footprints and smile
this is why i was meant to come
even though i still can feel the dark vibe inside the house. i feel renewed. we walk back the way we'd come and bid goodbye
this is their house now
we head back to the car
i had felt like i'd been invaded when we first walked in and still it lingered while we drove off
the house that i had lived in was open and warm
the house we'd just visited was their house
it was how they chose to live and i had to accept that
i will always cherish my memories of childhood
i am so appreciative of growing up in a small country town
yet i am so grateful that our family moved when they did and that i now live elsewhere
my lover gave my hand a little reasurring squeeze
he is my reality now and i feel honoured to have shared such an absurd adventure with him
we bridged time
xox
No comments:
Post a Comment