present and past

the feelings that are evoked when present collides with the past is rather peculiar

your vision struggles to gain perspective like an automatic camera unable to focus on a subject

your heart pounds and your head feels very far away from your feet
you begin to giggle uncontrollably even though you don't really find it very funny
you are in fact terrified
it's like you're dreaming of an old memory when people from the present just walk in.
you know it's not right, yet you cannot grasp it in your dream
you feel as if any moment you'll wake up from the disturbing moment
but you don't.

This is reality as trippy and surreal as it feels

I'm staring at my old house from my childhood with my present boyfriend holding my hand...
he can't really be here? can he?
the house looks exactly the same even though it's been 14 years since i've been here

my mind finally manages to gain focus, and with it the dream like state begins to fade
i'm ok with this i convince myself
my lover by my side, supporting and loving me for who i am right now
and my old house, holding so many wonderful childhood memories
yet it's not the house that holds the memories........

we walk to the front door a little timidly
now i begin to see some of the changes.. of another existence here
yet the beautiful stained glass double front doors are still here
i knock on the door, quietly excited on what may happen.....

a woman answers the door with children in toe
she is stand offish by the interruption...
i politely explain that i used to live at this house 14 years ago and i haven't been back in my home town since then... i was visiting and thought i'd pass by....

we stand nodding at each other for a while, my boyfriend and i all smiles..
will she invite us in?
she does, finally
and what do we find...?
a small dark corridor
much smaller than i remember...

we walk passed my room and my sisters...
somehow it doesn't feel right to look in there
so we keep heading into the lounge...

the polished floorboards are all covered up in drab grey carpets....
where is the beauty?

the lounge is also dark, filled with smoke and two men lounging on couches watching TV.
i think they gave us a grunt of recognition..?
was this room really this small?

the wall where we had a lovely fireplace is now covered from floor to ceiling with old style pendulum ticking clocks... i can't bear to make eye contact with my lover....
is this real?
have we stepped into a David Lynch film?
all the clocks tick tock tick tock... the fireplace has been replaced by a modern heater...
tick tock tick tock

the room seems to be shrinking the longer i stay in it...
i feel suffocated

i don't look to my brother's old room, or the study, or my mother's room..
i keep walking into the play room, giving a courteous glance into the kitchen,
my smile feeling more and more strained
is this really our old house?
where is all the light? the love? the happiness?

we head out the side door into the garden away from the heavy energy
outside there is relief yet 7 years of drought has left the garden dry and neglected
it too seems small....

i continue walking to the back of the house
a place my siblings and i spent hours playing all sorts of fun games

the woman has slowly warmed to us, realising we mean no harm
she remembers seeing some prints in the cement near the back door...
and there, the sweetest thing to see
now it is all worth being here
nestled near the wall is a tiny footprint of a toddler and underneath the print is written Rhea
my name smiles back at me

i was here,... this was my home
next to it are paw prints of a cat and nearby some more hand prints yet with no name
probably my brother and sister's

'it's good to put a name to a foot!'
the woman exclaims
warmth fills my heart

i gaze at the footprints and smile
this is why i was meant to come

even though i still can feel the dark vibe inside the house. i feel renewed. we walk back the way we'd come and bid goodbye

this is their house now
we head back to the car

i had felt like i'd been invaded when we first walked in and still it lingered while we drove off
the house that i had lived in was open and warm
the house we'd just visited was their house
it was how they chose to live and i had to accept that

i will always cherish my memories of childhood
i am so appreciative of growing up in a small country town
yet i am so grateful that our family moved when they did and that i now live elsewhere

my lover gave my hand a little reasurring squeeze
he is my reality now and i feel honoured to have shared such an absurd adventure with him

we bridged time
xox

free from cyber land

well what can i say?
it's been over a week since i last blogged away.... and why?
well..... i was out in the country away from internet for five days.... so that's physically why..
then i started work at a new job and so have been very preoccupied with that... so that's mentally why...
also these last couple of days.. i just forgot.

so really there's so much to write, i'm not sure where to begin
i'm very tired after another day of absorbing new information and learning new things from work that i don't really have the energy to furiously type away..

but here's some points to elaborate on when i come back tomorrow...

returning to my old home town after 12 years....
fear, curiosity, appreciation, , happiness, fond memories, shock, repulsion, confusion

rennaissance festival...
cold, relaxing, fun, reunions, party, hail, laughter

work...
anticipation, overwhelming, interesting, challenging, frustration, tiring

so let me delve more deeply in these experiences tomorrow night.

now in the balmy breeze caressing my body i will surrender to dream land zzzz

freedom flowing while there is no knowing of what lies ahead
or above or inside

who's there? i ask
and where's that? they say...
is it in the reflections of the puddles of rain that sheen the roads mimicking the sky?
is it is the sky which falls on the ground?
how many questions we can ask and yet will many ever be answered?

well it depends who you're asking
perhaps you're the one who really knows deep inside what the truth is

how fun it is to play dominoes with the demons as they cackle away
and skim upon the surface of our lives like an ice skater
but if we can crack the surface slick with rain, we can dive in and explore the many pools of life below
then we won't need to ask 'who is there'
as we'll meet them all

chilled air and pizza

the wind has brought back winter
chilling my bones as we cycle along the streets
though warmth is near, inside with wine
and scrumptious pizza

so enjoy the crisp air and snuggle up in bed all cosy
with a belly full of pizza

dreamtime is near

agapantha secrets

they grow like weeds, running rampant in native bushland
so it's time to channel Kali and dance with the beats of the destroyer

and what a time to bring this event into reality while we sip champagne and gaze at the hilly view
the sun still shines in the morning light bathing the hillside in a warm glow

the sounds of bellbirds whooping float up the hill while children run around with the dogs; barks and giggles following their tussles

perhaps we'll just skip the gardening and jump in the spa!

holey darkness

darkness, holey darkness
won't you give us some wisdom tonight?
so the man sings as he journeys through the void of space..

the full moon blessed me with the womanliness reminder of what we can create in our wombs
pain grips my insides...yearning to create
i glory in the thought that 'sacred life has come to play'
professor wang relieved the pain and gave me sunshine today

the man sings of the darkness.....he also sings of the sacred woman
i listen to his sweet soothing voice
he says, woman sensitive, woman emotional... is your strength not your weakness

in times of pain and sadness i rise
i feel the power of creation in my womb
i feel the sacred goddess and give thanks for the singing man for bringing attention to such a beautiful and mysterious part of my existence......

Moon bright

Thrashing rain gushing down outside, all around. just like that!
the wind has blown the sweltering heat out the door and in comes the cool rain......
what relief it brings, like finally allowing the tears to flow.
Dance around I say! dance in the glory of the life giving goodness of sweet rain....

today is the first of a month of daily rambles. i feel excited and a little nervous for the challenge of openly sharing my stream of consciousness with so many beings through cyber space. hearing the rain outside guides me to type away. the full moon rising guides me through my heart to know what to say.

so i give recognition to another full cycle of the moon blessing our land. i can't see you moon, yet i can feel you, pulsing through my body, connecting my womb to your cycle.
tonight i make my own reflections.. and what surfaces for me as the full moon beams in Taurus? I feel I too am transiting worlds. i feel present yet am aware of the challenges and new discoveries to come. dearest moon i celebrate your full beauty and as you go through your own cycle, so do i